Introduction
Trauma often leaves invisible scars that shape our lives in profound ways. For those who grew up with attachment wounds, the lasting impact is not just in painful memories, but in the everyday ways we question ourselves. Many survivors find themselves caught in patterns of shame, doubt, and confusion, particularly when they try to assert their needs or set healthy boundaries.
This article explores how early attachment trauma affects our ability to trust our own perception, how gaslighting, both from others and from ourselves, erodes self-trust, and practical steps to rebuild a connection with our natural intuition and inner truth.
Normal Reactions to Abnormal Situations
One of the most liberating insights in trauma therapy is this: difficult emotions are normal reactions to abnormal situations. Feelings of shame, anger, disappointment, fear, or loneliness are not signs of weakness or dysfunction. They are adaptive responses to environments that were unsafe or invalidating.
For children raised without consistent emotional support, these feelings often become sources of confusion. Instead of being reassured, their emotions are dismissed, minimized, or even turned against them. Over time, children internalize the belief that their natural reactions are wrong. This misunderstanding lays the foundation for chronic self-doubt.
The Dynamics of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the most harmful experiences a child can face. It occurs when their perception of reality is denied or distorted by caregivers. For example, when a child expresses hurt after being neglected or overlooked, a parent might minimize the situation (“Don’t exaggerate”), shift the blame (“You’re the problem”), or reverse the roles (“How could you do this to me?”).
These responses do more than confuse the child, they teach them that their emotions are unreliable and even dangerous to express. The result is a growing gap between what they feel inside and what they are told to believe. As adults, survivors often carry this uncertainty into work, friendships, and intimate relationships, leaving them vulnerable to further manipulation.
Self-Gaslighting: Turning Doubt Inward
When gaslighting is repeated over years, children often internalize it. By adulthood, they no longer need someone else to dismiss their feelings, they do it to themselves. This is self-gaslighting.
It can sound like: “I’m overreacting,” “It’s selfish to say no,” or “Maybe I imagined it.” These internal statements repeat the invalidation they once heard from others. The cost is high: intuition becomes muted, boundaries blur, and self-trust weakens. This dynamic also increases the risk of falling into toxic or exploitative relationships, since the ability to trust one’s instincts is compromised.
The Tipping Point: When Patterns Resurface
Stressful situations often trigger old patterns. Survivors may start by asserting themselves, saying no to extra work, or asking for fairness in a relationship. But when conflict arises, the internalized child-voice emerges: “You’re too much. You’ll be abandoned. Keep the peace.” At this tipping point, the adult self retreats, surrendering truth in exchange for safety.
Paradoxically, this tipping point also holds the greatest opportunity for healing. If we can recognize the moment when self-doubt floods in, we gain a chance to pause, notice, and respond differently. This is where the adult self can begin to intervene, to observe the old pattern without being fully consumed by it.
Shame as the Fuel of Manipulation
Shame is the engine that drives gaslighting and self-doubt. From childhood, survivors may have been taught to associate their emotions with shame, being told they were selfish, weak, or overly sensitive. As adults, this shame resurfaces whenever they try to assert themselves, often leading them to retreat into compliance. Understanding the role of shame is key: once identified, it can be challenged and slowly transformed into self-compassion.
Steps Toward Reclaiming Self-Trust
Healing from self-gaslighting is not about eliminating fear or shame overnight. It is about building new, consistent practices that strengthen self-trust:
1. Revisit the past: Write down moments when your perception was denied in childhood. Naming them helps remove confusion.
2. Spot current patterns: Notice when you minimize or dismiss your own feelings in the present.
3. Dialogue with the inner child: Ask what beliefs the younger self still holds (“My feelings don’t matter,” “I will be punished if I say no”).
4. Create new beliefs: Introduce affirmations grounded in your adult reality (“I have the right to my feelings,” “It’s safe to set boundaries”).
5. Practice small boundaries: Start with small acts of saying no or expressing preferences, and build tolerance for discomfort.
6. Seek safe relationships: Healing accelerates when others validate and support your truth.
Each step builds the capacity to trust your own perception again, to listen to intuition, and to honor emotions as guides rather than threats.
Conclusion
Early trauma can distort our relationship with reality, convincing us that our emotions and perceptions are unreliable. But recognizing gaslighting and self-gaslighting as survival responses, not personal flaws, offers a new path forward.
Healing requires patience, but the rewards are profound: stronger boundaries, restored intuition, and relationships rooted in mutual respect. Above all, it means reclaiming the simple yet powerful truth that your emotions are valid, your perceptions are real, and you are worthy of being heard.