We are often told that happiness lies in letting go. Coaches, self-help books, and spiritual guides repeat it like a mantra: if you could just release the past, peace and freedom would finally be yours. But what if letting go feels impossible, or worse, terrifying? For many who carry early trauma, 'letting go' is not a gateway to freedom but a trigger of fear. To understand why, we need to look not at willpower or mindset, but at the nervous system itself.
The Myth of Letting Go
In popular culture, letting go is sold as a cure-all. It’s portrayed as a clean break from the past: end the relationship, stop identifying with your pain, shed the burden and move on. The promise is seductive, let go, and you will finally be free. But for trauma survivors, this prescription can become another burden. Instead of relief, the call to let go often leads to shame and frustration when the past won’t simply dissolve.
Why the Nervous System Holds On
From a trauma-sensitive perspective, holding on is not weakness. It is protection. Unprocessed trauma leaves the nervous system on high alert, unable to relax into safety. What looks like 'clinging' is often the body’s attempt to stay alive. Neurobiologically, true letting go requires the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, the ventral vagus that signals connection and safety, paired with the dorsal vagus that allows deep rest. Only in this state of 'immobility in safety' can real release occur. But if stillness itself has been tied to danger, through medical trauma, neglect, or abuse, relaxation can trigger alarm.
When Stillness Feels Dangerous
Imagine being a child left alone in the night, waking to an empty house. Or falling asleep only to be startled by shouting parents. For some, moments of rest were moments of abandonment or threat. Later in life, attempts to relax, lying in bed, meditating, even sinking into a warm bath, can awaken that same panic. The body remembers. What the conscious mind longs for, the nervous system resists.
Beyond Spiritual Bypassing
This is why quick-fix formulas for letting go often backfire. Five-step plans, affirmations, and even spiritual teachings can mask avoidance. This 'spiritual bypassing' offers the illusion of transcendence without true integration. It may silence symptoms temporarily but leaves the underlying wound unhealed. Healing asks for presence, not bypass; integration, not erasure.
What True Letting Go Requires
If letting go is really about integration, the path forward is gentler than the slogans suggest. It begins with compassion: recognizing that holding on once kept you safe. Then, slowly, it means finding resources that restore the nervous system’s sense of safety, a trusted friend’s presence, the steady rhythm of a pet’s breath, the quiet of nature. Tiny moments of relaxation, even a few seconds at a time, teach the body a new truth: it is possible to be still and safe. Over time, these experiences weave a foundation for genuine release, not forced, but natural.
The Freedom of Integration
Letting go, in the trauma-informed sense, is not about discarding parts of ourselves. It is about welcoming them home. When we integrate the pain we once tried to banish, we expand our capacity for peace. True freedom is not the absence of the past, but the presence of safety. From that ground, the nervous system can finally exhale, and what once felt impossible begins to unfold naturally.